So I have Chairman Kim jong to thank for this...

Ok, I'm not really gonna thank him but I fucking said so.

Whatever.

I'm taking the advice of this song.

Why? Well Iron Maiden is good music.

I'm not gonna waste time looking for those wasted years.

I have at least 8 more good ones. Which is like, 53 in dog years so I should be awesome happy by then.

I look now at what progress I've made with myself, my mom, my sister, my brother.

In less than six months, I've made marketable progress. I've got a new phone. Working on anther one for mom. Mom quit smoking. Sister is going to school before 9. Brother isn't acting out so much.

They're gonna have a fucking awesome birthday party this year.

We're gonna have another car soon too.

We've paid for classes and phones already, we're setting up some kick ass careers in whatever we want. Yes, it's true.

Sucks bad now. We need a house.

A house more than anything. I'd be happy with a house and nothing else. Like, just a house, no car, no clothes, no furnishings. I would manage so well. Lol. Watch me.

But yes.

I had my sibs over to "my" house the last few days.

I can't remember a better time I've ever had, even though we just played video games and kinda made some huge messes.

I loved it. I love both those little fuckers. I love my mom.

So much.

She gave up everything for them.

I'm gonna probably give up everything for them too, like a boss big bro would.

And more probably. No spoiling. No...Anything. I get what I need for paid for by someone else.

Everything else I save.

I want hous.

I want a room for my little brother. And cheese for my mom. And a happy house for my sis.

And a bed and warm food for me.

That's the stuff dreams are made of.

Luckily, in my world, dreams come true.

The Great (Anorexic) Escapade

So imagine, if you will, someone with a eating disorder. Imagine said eating disorder is opposite of you. Eg, or in this post, anorexia nervousa, or not eating, opposite healthy "growing kid" appetite.

Now imagine making a deal to become the essential appetite of someone with anorexia that sounds like this:

They have to eat something, food not pills, before you do. Same with water.

Either they eat, or you starve and are uncomfortable and unhealthy.

You eventually pick up the same disorder if you loose too much weight

Seriously.

But I didn't take it that far.

It's a little radical, a little extreme, a little half baked. I thought it was a good idea though so I went through it.

Here's the first, what, five days of having anorexia/being a recovering anorexic.

Aha.

So its interesting seeing just what people become.

And finding out why people do things that don't make sense.

Have you always wondered why some people do certain things?

Finding out is a strange zen path. It's having to walk a razor line between yourself and them, or their condition.

I've also found that people aren't just raised into something. So many factors can make someone something, themselves, the world, genetics.

One thing I can vouch for is unconventionality. Sure, there's always that kid that doesn't understand or isn't understood, always alone, the outcast whom is not cast.

But when that kid gets an idea to be alone, or like a dog, loyal to death, what comes of it?

I'll tell you. I'll tell you gooder.

Dated, 1/15/2011, 0000.35 hours, MST.

No blog entry for 1/16/2011, due to the fact of hunger, dehydration, and general lack of everything.

Next day: It's not hard to keep to once you do. You drool a lot, but eventually forget about it. Keeping busy is nice, I see why some people do that.

It's weird though that not drinking enough water doesn't allow me to wake up in the morning. I usually use having to pee as an excuse but due to being cut basically everything.

I found an immense ability to concentrate on the simplest things. Plus, I had a Carmel Frappe Crappe thingy.

It was goooood D:

And I spazzed for about most of the day, invoked the wrath of Mormans, made people look at me funny, continue my education, plot, plan, cause general havok, learned a little about washing clothes, even some cooking, it was great.

I found myself staring into space, zoning out, wanting to break. I mean break something. Aha.

I had gotten tired, I was even gonna mention it, of not eating, of not drinking, of not being ahead all the time, having to do everything else because I'm so hungry.

I've dropped about 12 pounds so far, I'm sure mostly water. I walk usually at about 174.

So I'm estimating about 160, I couldn't strip down for a right on weight measurement due to guests.

I've also gotten very un-inhibited. I did things I never even thought of. It was hilarious.

But I reached a breaking point today. Tomorrow, I try and push past it.

Dated, 2/16/2011, 225910 MST

Next day (thursday)

Had one hot pocket today. Whoo.

Along with about 5 cups of cream and sugar laden coffeeeee.

Ugh, all that sugar has calories, but I have lost a lot of weight, I'm liking the way I look. Though I want to be skinner and smaller and all that.

Not as much water today, but coffee helped a lot. I actually peed clear a couple of times so thats good. The rest of the day was somewhat uneventful.

Besides the insane balls I just happened to buck up with and grow. I walked in and asked people about things without hesitation. Never done that before. Haha, its amazing how powerful you can concentrate when you're trying to ignore something.

I only felt hunger pangs a couple of times today. Earlier when I was hanging out with a friend, and just a little while ago when I was jabbering. It's all good.

And so far, it's working.

Dated, 2/17/2011 2259.40 MST

For 18,19th, partial on 20th:

Whelp

Getting good on not drooling when looking at food or smelling food or thinking of food. Whoop did it again. Hahah. Nothing fits now.

Literally

I have three pairs of pants that fit satisfactorarily enough aound the waist and length. Other than that, I have 10 unusable pairs that will only wear out faster.

Also, water. I like water. It's bad that I'm getting less than 3 liter bottles of water a day. It's good I got five cups of coffee on the 18th. :D They were all so good. And about two on the 19th, with a couple of bowls of oatmeal and a marshmallow tossed in my coffee. Oooo I feel so naughty eating that with coffee its so high calorie. lol

I'm down to about 162. Just a clothed estimate with 8 pounds of clothes on. Why?

Because it's snowing. Fuck you snow. Fuck you in the face.

The extreme ability to concentrate oddly enough continues. Perhaps sleep deprep will stop that. And stuff. It's kinda turned from the initial idea into a hybrid "Helpingfriend/GettingGoodatRangerSchool" kinda deal. It's mutual benifit. Yes.

I'm burning more calories than I'm putting in for hell yeah. I did manage to get some chinese food the other day. I'm learning that every bite is just so delicious. All the time. Good to eat. I want food still, but I still have some left overs to get to eat hopefully tomorrow. If not, it means more coffee.

Which isn't so bad.

Dated, more or less 2/20/2011 0228.02

Old Weird Habits

You know those old old things you "used to do..." Back before you grew up. Back before you were the you were now.

Or maybe what you just got away from doing last week?

So anyways, I was looking at some pictures of a very recently close friend, and felt somewhat sad about how I don't get to spend as much time as I would want to with them.

Then I told a friend I was chatting with about them, and something about their hair.

Suddenly, I felt almost depressed, deflated even.

I sat thinking of things, and all of a sudden, started clicking my mouse.

I haven't clicked a mouse while on the computer since last year.

Seriously, I used to sit and read articles and click it out of habit I made myself do.

But why would it come up when I was thinking of said friend?

Is it possible that encoding/decoding unconsciously causes this?

Perhaps its just the lacking of being able to do anything that made me spaz out and try and do something, anything to seem like I was able to control or help any.

I dunno.

Got Down With The Lazy

[Parody=song]Down With the Sickness[/Parody]

So winter break at my college equals four, count it again, four, or a month's work of no classes.

Great right?

Only if you're....NOT THAT INTO CLASSES.

The first week was alright. I had some stuff to do, little things I missed during classes, blah blah blah.

MMA night was cancelled. I didn't have CAP the next night either since it was christmas. So by Sunday, I was ready to drop some cars and kick some faces off. Going stiiiir crazy.

Coming into the next week, with about half my plans falling through to new years, ditto with the gym getting cancelled and no CAP, I relaxed and decided to start working on stuff.

STUFF.

I was doing better, till the new year. I sat around, doing nothing. It was alright, eventually I did my nails and made a mess of them. Aha.

But earlier, I was thinking about my classes and stuff, along with going back to MMA today.

I thought about how this next summer I'd be working instead of taking classes.

Then I thought, "Why shouldn't I just take a break from MMA classes?"

I mean it's a break after all. I've trimmed down a couple pounds and look really nice now, body wise.

Sure I'm not learning anything but not gaining any, and not doing stupid things.

Yes. An even stasis has been found.

I also remembered I have two more weeks of break left.

Oh cool.

But

Why am I thinking of cutting out everything I love to do that keeps me learning and in shape and stuff?

Well the conclusion I came to is that I am finding things to do when I'm free. Since that's all the time it's been easier and easier to stay relatively happy.

Then I thought about it. Well, what if it's just being busy with whatever? Or having time to do as I please?

Now the ringer: WHAT IF THIS IS JUST PART OF MY PERSONALITY? :O

Naturally, I'm sure that there are other people around the world that get into something.

And then there are people that get into something.

Like rock climbing. Search and rescue. Joining the military. Fixing nails. Happy trails.

Normally, people just have a passing passion for things. They love it one week and oh well, next week they forget about it. They spend twenty bucks to get what they want out of it then poof they're done.

Then there are the other kinda people that go online or out to a big store and buy almost everything they need to do everything in their interest. Like, everything.

A good example is that is my pedicure and nails interest.

I got all the basics, scrub brush, some simple nail polish and a basic toe buffer right?

By the next couple of weeks, I had some high class, fancy ass nail nippers, about three extra pairs of nail clippers, some more polish and a lil foot bath thingy.

Just this week, more like yesterday, I also picked up some awesome nail design polishes, a brush/dotting tool combo, a diamond file, a pumi stone, some more polish and scrub pads, some like, mini nail polish samples...Y'know, more stuff.

I'll probably extend my design colors into most of the colors, at least more of the basics, then get all the colors of polish pens they have.

I'm doing it again.

Now next time I hear about someone getting to the point where they do absolutely nothing of value or substance, I'm gonna think "Are they really worthless....

Or did they invest everything in being lazy?"

Haha.

It could happen.

More Important: Country or the Taste on Your Lips?

So today, I was put into an interesting perrdicament.

Someone offered me a filtered cigar today. One of those ones with flavored filters.

So, they told me to put it to my lips then lick my lips to get the flavor right?

I then took it from them, rolled it in my fingers, sniffed at the tea smelling tobacco, the thin sheet holding it all in, and didn't really smell that much watermelon on the filter.

I handed it back to them and told them I didn't want to ruin it.

So recently turning old enough to buy cigs, I wonder just how much pressure is put on people nowadays.

Now I have been pressured to actually smoke by my dick of a big brother before. Who doesn't?

I'm sure my lil bro has probably had that happen to him and my lil sis probably will at some point too. My other mother smokes so that's that, though she's trying to quit.

I have actually been contemplating buying and picking up smoking. BUT THEN I forget about the consequences. Thought I shoot it down with logical thought, such as on a students budget, which is tight enough already, how would I afford nice boots and cigs? Plus I could never really see myself actually smoking.

Plus it'd totally kill my mile time or whatever I have to run with the new military PFT coming out sometime. But in reality, it'd probably kill my lung capacity, which seem to be quite large, and probably kill me from my blood pressure. Hence the country part in the title.

But back on point.

What exactly makes something so appealing? Obviously, peer pressure. "Everyone is doing it, so I probably should too."

Then so many people do end up doing it. It just seems weird to me how people continue to do it, even though they want to stop. Nicotine is interesting like that.

Then what astounds me is how people get more of the stuff.

Just because someone else is doesn't mean you should.

Unless it's totally awesome. Like not drinking soda. Ironically that also happened today, I was asked if I wanted a soda, then if I even drank soda. I said no, I don't, and a couple of people were impressed. Too bad I washed down that Triple Baconator with a Frosty Float.

But anyways, it's so interesting how the most innocent people seem to want to get you into something they're into. Possibly human nature. Maybe it's just how we've been put together up until now.

But psychologically....

...I have nothing. D:

I mean, I was thinking about how I pissed off a couple of online friends who are more like distant family than anything else, and I felt how little I was upset.

But then I started thinking why, and I've figured that it's because of how I grew up.

I was one of those kids that grew up with food, water, soda, candy, y'know, what most every kid gets at that age.

Though, I never had my own room, I've only had one bike that was brand new, only my pants weren't hand me downs, along with some shirts, I was always in the house, never at parties or other people's houses.

I never had my own bed until now.

Now this might seem bad at all, at least in my mind, but one thing that sticks out to me was just how much of a loner I was. I had one or two friends throughout middle school, like, I dunno, maybe a couple of buddies, people I'd bug.

For some reason though, I've rationalized it to that I didn't really have anything.

Like at all.

Shit, I'm barely cleaning out a room for myself this semester.

And I'm sleeping on a military spec plus cot.

Perhaps that type of mind set is gonna prepare me a lot better for stuff in the military like SERE courses and Ranger School.

Live off nothing and destroy everything.

I could get used to that. Ha.

Dun Got Me Some Proof

‎"He had tried a counselor. Once. He left because the man had no combat experience and Dany doubted he'd understand."

http://www.fayobserver.com/articles/2010/09/29/1030933?sac=Home

It's both fortunate and unfortunate I was right about becoming a psychologist/therapist/psycotherapist/whatever for the Army.

That the soldiers that would go in for help would discard it anyway, because the therapist had no reference point whatsoever; A bad day for the therapist may have been nearly missing the morning bus, or spilling coffee on their best shirt.

For a soldier, it could mean much and far more problems. Loosing a best friend forever, loosing limbs, being mentally scarred by the mires of combat.

And since therapists wouldn't have a reference point or common ground/core of knowledge, the connection to make to the soldiers undergoing treatment would be even harder to make, and possibly even prevent recovery from PTSD/PTS/all that stress shit.

I wouldn't trust a guy that has 8 years of hoity toity college behind him, along with all these studies on civilians to talk to me about combat.

I'd want some rough, beaten and worn down old soldier that's better qualified to lead and follow than a general, that once I walk in, I know I can just open up and let it flow out of me like puking up all the shit that was stewing in my gut for the last four days.

So, combat arms...

Here I come.